fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
