that's what penises do
they tell lies.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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