It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
