Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
