I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
ok first of all what the fuck
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
