P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
