the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
