woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
