Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
