i don't like sucking hair
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
