Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
