I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
