Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
