remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
