Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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