i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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