So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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