is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
