The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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