How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
