Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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