My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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