Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The air was thick with penises
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
