Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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