Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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