i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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