Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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