After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
