I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
