please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
