i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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