9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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