Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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