matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
