Tell her she can't have a vagina
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
