yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize