if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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