No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude. I can hear the air.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
