he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
