I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
