i wish my penis had a tongue
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
