if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
