i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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