He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
