It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
