I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
