Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
