ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
