Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
