Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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