Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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