Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
