Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
