What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
