its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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