I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
