Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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