Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
