His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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