I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
