She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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