Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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