I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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