you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
