It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
