Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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