I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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