is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
