Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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